嘉宾

分手后第几个冬季
今天是星期几
偶尔会想起你
你突如其来的简讯
让我措手不及
愣住站在原地
当所有人都替你开心
我却才傻傻清醒
原来早已有人为你订做了嫁衣
感谢你特别邀请
来见证你的爱情
我时刻提醒自己 别逃避
拿着喜帖一步一步走近
他精心布置的场地
可惜这是属于你的风景
而我只是嘉宾
我放下所有回忆
来成全你的爱情
却始终不愿相信 这是命
好久不见的你有点疏离
握手寒暄如此客气
何必要在他的面前刻意
隐瞒我的世界 有过你
不知不觉钟声响起
你守候在原地
等待着他靠近
温柔的他单膝跪地
钻戒缓缓戴进
你的无名指里
当所有人都替你开心
我却才傻傻清醒
原来我们之间已没有任何关系
感谢你特别邀请
来见证你的爱情
我时刻提醒自己 别逃避
今天你妆扮得格外美丽
这美也曾拥在怀里
可惜这是你和他的婚礼
而我只是嘉宾
我放下所有回忆
来成全你的爱情
却始终不愿相信 这是命
说好的永远变成了曾经
我试着衷心祝福你
请原谅我不体面没出息
选择失陪一下 先离席
又不是偶像剧
怎么我演得那么入戏
这不堪入目的剧情
感谢你特别邀请
观赏你要的爱情
嘉宾也许是另一种宿命
离开你的自己事到如今
还有什么资格关心
毕竟终成眷属的人是你
而我只是嘉宾
我流尽所有回忆
来庆祝你的婚礼
却始终没有勇气 祝福你
谢谢你送给我最后清醒
把自己还给我自己
至少我还能够成为那个
见证你们爱情的嘉宾
遇见你的他真的好幸运

但愿他会比我更爱你

dont know

Dont know how long i can do this

Niece

Hello Niece. 

I hope by the time I am writing this, you are already in this world. Safe and healthy. And your mum too. 

I am not excited by your coming, I am apprehensive of it. I see you as a blank piece of paper with stories unwritten. I see you as a piece of unmolded clay with potential to become something beautiful...or terrible because I am not at all confident in your parents' hands to shape your life. 

Your mum's life has been a series of bad choices and i blamed it on the lack of parenting as well as fate's decision to leave out the trait of self awareness for her.

I don't know much about your dad's life but from the surface and first impressions, he looks to be no better or worse. Playing Darts, checked. Smokes, checked. Is that an Ankle monitoring device? Ex con, checked? Housing you in our parents house instead of his house, checked. Ability to provide for you and your mum? Unlikely.

I can only hope your coming to be a turning point for them both.

All my adult life, I have been living with the dogs unwillingly. Its not that I dont like them but its because I am aware of the heavy heavy responsibility of being entrusted to care for another living being that is totally dependent on her and I know for certain that your mum at that point in time is incapable of handling it and I know I dont want that responsibility. Fast forward 15 years and the dogs dont behave like dogs. They know no tricks, does not answer to their names, shit and pee everywhere, live only for food. The chancea of you becoming an uneducated, neglected baby in your formative years, becoming a version of the dog is high.

Someone once said, if you want to know how well a parent they can be, just look at how someone rear their pets. Oh wait, i think I am that someone.

So what am I going to do about you? You are not my child, I am not responsible for you. Giving you care and concern just because we are related by blood? I am walled off from whatever I am suppose to feel from blood ties by the actions and inaction of your grandparents. Shall I champion for you when your guardians make dumb decisions? Perhaps you can be my turning point too. To make me feel good again.

gratitude

Never expected 2020 to turn out this way. It offers a fresh perspective on life and taught me to be grateful for what I have now. I can easily be one of the thousands that have their jobs affected but the impact to mine has been minimal. 

A crisis can always reveal something more about anything. You can know how stable a company is even if you are not following their finance. You can know more.about the people you worked with for the past years; do they sink or float in this stormy sea? Will they come out better or the same? 

I know I came out with a lot more than before I went in. I am now the captain of my own ship.  

这些年

这些年过的不好不坏， 只是好像少了一个人存在。

而我渐渐明白， 你仍然是我不变的关怀。

let down

Millions of people worse off than me.

Count my blessings.

No way taking the easy way out. 

Deal with it. 

job

Im not getting the education i need from my bosses. Everyday is the same old routine without any benchmark.

Im not feeling challenged enough for growth but instead im being bogged down by administrative work like how to ship stuff from USA to Cambodia or chasing Purchase Orders for missing stocks.

I am bored. Time to look.

holidays

Impending big purchase,

Hokkaido plan put on ice for 1 more year.

Where should i solo for this year then. Bangkok doesnt count. 

Take the edge off

Here you go, this will take the edge off.
Am I a Square with 4 edges, or a Pentagon, or Octagon.
Regardless, these drinks do polish off the edges. These edges, I cant pinpoint what sprouted them in this chaos. They are a constant nuisance in the day. They give pain that cannot kill you, but irritates and distracts. Come evening time, the solution is to drown, to rough them out with drinks. 

搁浅

"I thought you were the one".
She said but I heard more than these words. I heard her heart breaking. Been a while now but occasionally I am still haunted by it. I guess one person's temporary pain can cast a very long ache on another.

2018

"Could be better, but could be worse. So I guess it was okay".

First time that I received sedation and it was awesome. Felt like I travelled forward in time. Saw the needle, felt the drug went in my vein, i remembered looking at the needle and the next thing I know I was awake, staring at the clock.

I didnt feel the scope, couldnt remember anything about the procedure. The world continued on with me knocked out. Perhaps that feeling is what Michael Jackon and those drug addicts were after? Complete and total loss of sensation.

I welcomed it.

Dark place

Hmm. Why am I in a dark place?

Missing

My fire is missing

Why

While avoiding something, I think I rushed into something and now I am caught up in a bad place.

Shit. I am an arsehole.

Forty eight seasons

Autumn did not call me for a visit,
I went to run away from a date instead.
The day is a windy storm that flares the ambering coals,
It scorches in the past to silent pleads as the date flew by.

The land of rising sun offers no safe harbour.
And I witnessed murder by nature's cycle.
Choked and deprived, maples shriveled and fall off,
Only to be renewed in due time.
The cycle of renewal disregards the trees.
How many times can one watch one die and be renewed and then to die again
It is hell in disguised.

Perhaps the storm will never come again,
The trees will never be tortured again
If there is only 1 season.
An eternal spring.

Business

This Japanese guy is trying very hard to make us stock up items with short expiry dates. The math he used was a joke.

You used 4 in the past month THEREFORE you can buy 48 to make sure you have enough for a year.

That is despite it was in December and for the 11 months before that, it was zero sales.

If I can turn back time, I would have stopped Boss from stocking up. Now the expiry date is ticking down and I can't get rid of it fast enough.

Let this be a very expensive lesson on managing inventory.

Rid the bad

How many parents want their children to succeed in their lives? I think almost every parent out there.

And they do that by imparting values to their offspring that they can turn to when they are lost or for just living their daily lives. A set of rules that engraves themselves and guide character building. Simple stuff like be responsible for your choice in life, learn to say no to things you don't want, stand your ground, spend wisely, and  pay your bills on time.

My parents impart nuts to us and its just a lip service to them to want their kids to succeed. I think they are attending church every weekend with their eyes closed and with very selective hearings. If I am God, I would be very disappointed in them. "Why do you still come to Church when you learnt nothing?"- I would ask them if I am God. I have observed nothing good that they displayed despite being so fervently religious. They continue to be irresponsible to the household and when confronted, they can't see the errors of their ways. Or perhaps I did not communicated it well to them? It is really hard because every time I try to talk to them, I am overwhelmed with the sense of disgust and disappointment that cuts the conversation short. Have they ever think that things might be very different if they put in an effort to raise us properly? My sisters are like the bottom percentile of Singaporeans and I am very sure I got to where I am today because I separated myself from this lot.

This bond between parents and child has eroded to a very bare thread. I have almost no sense of kinship left towards them. I must stress as I am often misunderstood by many, I do not hate the dogs nor animals but I hate the way my parents treated the dogs and us. Which sane household allows the dogs to pee and poo everywhere and refused to make an effort to teach them? Retired and doing nothing at home, they would rather watch youtube video than put in an effort to teach the dogs or bring them down for regular walks! I think this is quite close to an abuse and by extension, it is an abuse on us too.

I look forward to a future with my own home, with a living room that is fit for the living, a clean washing machine to wash my clothes, beautiful artistic marble tiles that I can place my feet on without hesitating if there are shit/pee stain on it, a long sofa where I can watch Grey's Anatomy on my big inch TV and a through path to my kitchen without having to cross over some fucking man-made fence that kept the dogs out. I truly believe the way for us to thrive is to rid the bad and let only the good grow. The bad are a burden to us and if they refused to change, we do not need them to weigh us down for our very short time on earth.

The duller

The sparkling bitter taste off the tongue,
at first taste, quite repulsive.
A big gulp is like taking in a mouthful of liquid air.
Quite uncomfortable.
And it stays in your chest for a while, a rising, expanding force until a satisfying burp releases it like how an overpressure valve finds relief.
But it dulls. The acuteness of days, months, years, forevers troubles get dulled, blunted. Nothing sticks onto you for a period, your brain is always playing catch up to your movement. Like a windows mouse pointer with the tail feature enabled.
Everything seems manageable for a period. And it seems addictive. The brain became to want it frequently.

The run

I ran hard against the slopes along the usual running route. Took my time going down but maintaining an even pace on flat ground.
During the run, somehow my mind wondered, telling me this run I am doing now should be mirrored into life. Challenges, difficulties are the slopes and to get over it fast, you need to run at it hard. Eventually the uphill will end and I will have an easy way down...unless its a routine circuit in which the downhill will become an uphill come return.

The laboured breathing, the muscles ache I can manage but the real battle is the mind. The part of my mind that wants to run usually can keep the part that wants to walk at bay. I look forward to the endorphins rush when I accomplished a run further than the previous.

Its been more than 6 years since I started running regularly. I ran slightly more than when I first started, on my 3rd/4th pair of shoes but yet all the distance clocked, im still nowhere close to you. I must have been running on a treadmill.